Adventures with the crazy lady

or why the advice your mom gave you as a kid is still good advice.

This little adventure has been popping into my head lately...not sure why. Maybe I'm hoping my kid will listen to me and not hang out with the crazy lady!

A few years ago, when I still worked for the corporate office and went out after work many nights of the week, I went out one night for sushi, then a movie and then beer with some coworkers. At least that was the plan. We got the sushi, we saw the movie (the oh-so-brilliant movie ahem...sarcasm...The Grudge) and we kind of got the beer after.

The movie freaked us out, so we figured a pub was a good way to get unfreaked out. The first place we went had dramatically increased the cost of a pint so we had our one drink and decided to go somewhere else. By now our group had dwindled to three...me, TC and his roommate H. And we were by far the most freaked out of all the people we were out with. Since they only lived a block and a bit from my place, we figured we'd go back to our neighbourhood, have some less expensive beer and then they'd walk me home, make sure I was locked in and then they could go home together and both sleep in the living room with all the lights on that night.

So we hopped on the bus, only to get about two blocks down Granville street to discover the next two blocks were blocked off because of a major police incident involving lots of police cars, some ambulances and chaos. We hopped off the bus wandered past the incident, which looked like nothing and didn't make it in to the papers the next day, and decided the fastest way to get out of downtown was to catch the bus on Burrard Street. So as we waited to cross Burrard, stamping our feet and blowing on our hands, the lady standing next to us remarks on how cold it is. Something inside my head screamed IGNORE HER...something inside all our heads screamed IGNORE HER, but she was irresistable.

Not that way.

And so we proceeded to break the parental rule number #1 - Don't talk to strangers.

And in conversation with her, we discover that she is going to YukYuk's, won four tickets and her friends bailed, so did we want to use her extra three tickets. In later discussions, we concluded this lady reminded us in a gnome-like way of Bette Middler (kind of) with a super squeaky voice.

So, since we already broke parental rule number #1, why not have a go at parental rule #2 - Don't go places with strangers.

Off we traipsed to YukYuks.

At some point, the crazy lady bought us a round of drinks, but when TC and H tried to buy the next round to thank her for the tickets, she insisted she was done drinking for the evening. Her one diet Sprite was more than enough for her. Ooops, just broke rule #3 - Don't accept candy/food (alcohol also applies) from strangers.

After the show ended, we were tired and still bent on getting to the pub in our neighbourhood. So we walked out with her and were saying goodbye when some interesting people came up and started talking to her. Seems she was a party organizer with a balloon business, but she also arranged strippers so if we wanted strippers ever, call her, here's her card. At that point we just wanted to leave, but somehow she discovered we were heading her direction and on the bus so she offered us a ride.

Broken rule #4 - Don't get into cars with strangers.

When we got to the car, well, we realized it wasn't a car at all, it was a big white van with no windows and a CAGE in the back. A cage. Where she put TC and H. Who didn't have a phone between them. I had to sit next to her in the front seat. With my dead phone clutched in my hand. We told her we wanted to go to Broadway and Granville, but she insisted we couldn't live there, so H told her we lived near Broadway and Macdonald. Off we go, down Broadway, all the while she is "entertaining" us with her stand up routine. Which we all said was great...just so she wouldn't keep going. But at Broadway and Macdonald, well, she doesn't stop. She turn up Macdonald. Somehow, ever so silently, without actually speaking, we manage to agree to jump out at the next light. And lucky for us, the light at Macdonald and 16th was red. And we all manage to get out. She of course was put out that she couldn't drop us on our doorsteps, which we'd already passed, but got us to promise we'd be back at YukYuks in three months time to hear her super polished routine.

TC and H walked me home as planned and we all agreed we were no longer scared of the movie, real life was certainly a bit more frightening.

And that those parental rules, well, they're all good ones and we were in no hurry to break them again anytime soon.

And that was that.

Or not.

Just over a year later, a good friend from Hawaii was staying with me and we were playing tourist. We'd taken the Hop-on Hop-off bus to the Dr. Sun Yat-Sen gardens and spent a very pleasant morning wandering through there. When it was time to go on to our next tourist stop, R needed to use the washroom and I wanted to take a peek in the gift shop. And then I heard the voice.

Her voice.

And the only way I could escape was to walk right past her out of the gardens or go back to bathroom and wait for R. Who was most surprised to find me loitering outside the men's bathroom. He'd already looked at the gift shop and was done, so he escorted me through the gift shop, away from the lady...

And now, now I keep thinking every time I go into a shop, she'll be there.

And from now on I'll listen to my mom! Because all that advice? It's good advice.