My brain is normal

Hello interwebs, did you miss me??

We were away with no internet/cell phone/crackberry access for a whole five days. And before that we were kid-free for a whole five days. And since then we've been doing the oh-so-lovely gradual entry thing for the next level of daycare (for five days...what is it about five days?). I had a great list of posts that I was going to schedule over the past two weeks, but, well, none of them got written (some were partly complete) and then, well, I couldn't be bothered.

So, in the next few weeks, expect a recap of the family get together back in August, the excitement of turning three, some restaurants I visited for the first time and some more recipes I tried, a wedding with canoes and life in general.

I don't know about you, but we're looking forward to life returning to normal. It's time for a new year to start because for me (and Heddy) the new year starts in September.

Whatever. Life will return to normal one day. I know. I've said that before. And there is no such thing as normal.

Unless of course we're talking about my brain.

Today marked the end of the parade of doctors and anxiety of tests. I have had an entire lab's worth of tests done in the last five weeks, including (but not limited to) a non-contrast CT scan, a contrast CT scan (which makes you feel like you've peed your pants, even though you haven't), enough blood work to regenerate all my blood at least once over (okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but there was lots of blood), a lumbar puncture, an abdominal ultrasound, a cardiac ultrasound and a stroke-protocol MRI.

Guess what, everything is normal! {I'm doing a happy dance}

The spot that set this ball rolling is still there. It's 4 mm in diameter and all of the tests around it are inconclusive. I might have had a small stroke. It might have been in a vein, not an artery. If it happened at all, it was a long time ago. If it happened at all, it might have been when J was born. I might not have had a stroke and that spot may have been there since I was born. So really, who knows. All of my arteries are clear and show no signs of previous blockage or signs that they might decided they want to be blocked in the future.

The amazing and wonderful thing is that I've been cleared to do anything and everything that I was doing before or that I might want to do in the future. You know, stuff like parachuting (ACK, afraid of heights and falling quickly), Ironman (that's my sister's job) and back country camping for six weeks with no cell service.

The frustrating thing is that because there is nothing "wrong" with me, they weren't able to give me any advice on how to prevent a similar painful event from happening again.

But I'm happy to take the frustrating since it came with a generous side of "you're fine."

Thanks everyone for your emails, messages and phone calls checking up on me the last few weeks...I really appreciate them!

What the doctor said...

I know I said I'd post this yesterday. I planned to do it when I got home last night after a visit with a friend, but I came home to find a toddler who had a cough and wasn't sleeping...

Last Friday morning after I dropped J at daycare, I turned the car around and headed practically home (we live only a few blocks from the hospital) for my scariest appointment yet...the one with the neurologist at the stroke prevention clinic.

Results from that appointment? More of the same...your tests are normal, we're not sure what's going on, let's do more tests. The neurologist was a bit concerned that my blood pressure was up, but let's be realistic here, the nurse took my blood pressure moments after I was given a brochure about TIAs because most likely that's what I had (um, to clarify, not likely). That freaked me out. A lot. I was at the appointment alone because I wasn't too concerned about it...but at that moment I could feel my blood pressure climbing and the tears building and I wished I had someone, anyone, in the room with me. The nurse asked if I was feeling anxious and told me not to worry about my blood pressure because it was probably high because of the anxiety, but the doctor, he was a little concerned. So along with the tests, I will be visiting my family doctor for weekly blood pressure monitoring sessions.

What's next? Well, an early morning MRI which will determine pretty much all the next steps and a visit with a dietitian. For now I just need to keep going with life...and avoid grapefruit.

I think I can handle that!

The waiting game

Really, there are a million things I should be doing right now. Sleeping is at the top of that list and blogging isn't even on the list...but, well, I seem to be blogging, not sleeping.

Tomorrow is my first appointment with the neurologist. Maybe I'll get some answers. Maybe I won't. We'll see.

So instead of sleeping I've been baking. Blueberry banana bread, blueberry muffins and yummy cinnamon swirl bread. It was supposed to be for tomorrow, but I had to sample it, you know?

I also roasted some garlic and when it's a decent hour tomorrow I'll make a quick batch of hummus. We're picnicking tomorrow, so it's picnic food time...

And instead of doing laundry (our laundry baskets threw up all over our room) I unhooked the washer and dryer in anticipation of the arrival of the new machines. I also crammed our dirty laundry into black garbage bags so that I can do some serious laundry over the weekend. It's been two weeks since I've done laundry and I'm starting to notice it...

Anyway, it thought I'd share a few things that I've learned over the past few weeks. I don't have any answers yet, but I've learned a few things for sure!

Stuff I've learned about me:

• When I'm feeling stress (which I apparently am tonight) I head to the kitchen. Like I did tonight. Who bakes that much on a warmish summer night? When there are a million other things to do? When they should be resting up for the big appointment the next day? Me apparently.
• That I might have to take medication for the rest of my life. And if I do, I'm never going to taste a grapefruit again. Guess what I've been craving for the last two weeks...

Stuff I've learning about my "condition" (I'm not sure what to call it - it's not an illness or a disease or an injury, so I'm going with condition):

• My family doctor is very optimistic everything will be pretty well normal.
• My doctor warned me to be prepared for the possibility that they won't have any answers for me for a while or possibly ever. And that is such a frustrating possibility for me. I'd like to know how to prevent further episodes of the "condition"
• That regardless of the test results, I'm still probably going to have to take daily medication forever (see above) and that isn't making me very happy right now...

Stuff I've learned about my community:

• It's a lot bigger than I thought it was. This shouldn't really surprised me since they same thing happened when I injured my back - thanks guys....your visits, phone calls, emails, texts, blog comments and Facebook notes have all made the past two weeks so much more bearable.

Stuff I've learned about J:

• Toddlers are infinity more adaptable than I ever gave little miss credit for. She spent every evening last week sitting quietly on my bed playing or reading so that I could rest. Occasionally she'd pause and rub my temple and tell me "It will be okay Mommy." That alone is enough to make me feel better. She enjoyed this week and its usual trips to the park after dinner a lot more than last week!

Stuff I've learned about the hospital:

• It's unnerving to be the youngest patient at the heart clinic by a good twenty years. And that woman, the one who was about 20 years older than me? She appeared to be accompanying her mother to the clinic.
• The hospital is huge. It's very important to know which building and floor you're going to or you'll get hopelessly lost.
• Some areas of the hospital smell better than others.
• The hospital I've been frequenting is a teaching hospital. That means telling the same story two or three times before actually seeing the doctor. Or having the same ultrasound two or three times. But it's all good. At this point I'm still rational and patient enough to realize this is how doctors are made...
• Parking at the hospital coasts a small fortune. The best place to park is on the lowest or second lowest level. Because no one wants to park so "far" away. So there are lots of spaces - and lots that don't have concrete posts next to them.
• Always carry a book. And a binder. The book is because you'll always have to do some waiting. Even when your appointment is on time. The binder is for all the information you need to tell each and every doctor, specialist, technician and nurse you see and to add the new information to when they give it to you. Because you will forget. Before you stand up from your chair and leave the room. I promise.

Stuff I've learned about my job:

• It's important to know your company policies for sick leave and doctors' appointments (if there is one).
• It's important to figure out if your best bet is sick leave, sick days, appointment leave or vacation. I've done a combination of sick days, vacation and appointment leave but somewhere else I might have done it differently.
• I highly recommend talking to your supervisor, their supervisor and your HR rep (if you have one) as soon as possible, giving them as many details as you possibly can (if you're comfortable sharing). They will be more willing to help you out if they know what's going on.
• If you don't know your rights surrounding sick leave, find out. Quick. I know my rights having done this twice before and I happen to have an employer with good policies, so I'm not worried...I have also done this before with the same company, so the process was a lot easier this time around. And I'm not on sick leave right now so that helps.
• It's just a job. That I like. And want to keep. But there are things that are more important in my life than my job. I didn't actually learn that this week, it was just reinforced in the most forceful way possible!

Now I'm off to bed so I can rock my appointment tomorrow and try to convince the doctors I don't need that daily medication....

So that's what it feels like...

Something happened to my head in the last twenty minutes or so. The leftover bits of my headache? They seem to be gone...I'd forgotten what a normal head felt like! I don't think I've taken any painkillers since Friday or Saturday, mostly because it was more of a niggling pain that was annoying than a pain that stopping me from doing stuff.

Except that now I realize it was stopping me. Yesterday I was sooooo looking forward to my yoga class, but I didn't go. Because my head was a bit sore. And it felt like my brain was rattling around in my skull and I figured that headache+downward dog=bigger headache. And let's just not go there. I probably would have been fine, but if the headache had grown, well, I might just swear off exercise. Which is a bad plan. I need to keep exercising, regardless of what's been happening with my head, it's just a matter of figuring out what works - maybe it's less intense exercise, maybe it's a different kind of exercise, maybe it's a different time of day...but that little, niggling headache was holding me back from even trying to do yoga.

And then, all of a sudden this morning, I was sitting at my desk and I realized, hey, the niggling is gone.

Small victory? Maybe. But these days I'm celebrating any and every victory, I don't care how small!

Maybe tonight I'll try a little yoga at home, just to see how it goes....

And then there is this

Let's start with a disclaimer. I am fine. I will be fine. Things are a bit upside down right now, but I'm fine.

Last Monday I freaked myself, and everyone around me, out by taking a little ride to the hospital in an ambulance after suffering what the doctors referred to as a thunderclap headache while exercising. If you click on that link and visit Wikipedia there is some scary stuff there. So, I did NOT have a subarachnoid hemorrhage. Just to clarify.

The doctor immediately hooked me up to an IV, started some drugs to help with the headache, and ordered some blood work and a CT scan. I've never had a CT scan that fast in my life, even when my back did its thing.

The CT scan was normal. So the next step was a lumbar puncture. Don't click on that link if you don't like needles. There are some very vivid descriptions and images.

The lumbar puncture was normal. The blood work? Yup, you guessed it. Normal.

That's when, six hours after arriving, I was sent home, given some painkillers, told that I might want to stay home the next day because one of the side effects of the lumbar puncture was a rebound headache, but that I could go right back to my normal life, exercise and all. At that point I asked when I should follow up with my family doctor. Apparently since everything was normal, I didn't have to. Ummm...this headache? NOT normal. I didn't worry too much about it, I just wanted to get home, profusely thank my sister and get into my own bed. Besides, I had to go in to see my doctor this week anyway, so I'd bring it up then.

Tuesday I was groggy. Alex was home because of his craptastic hours, so we took J to daycare and I spent a toddler-free day on the couch and Alex tried to catch up on some sleep. Wednesday I was back at work. Not particularly productive, but back at work. Thursday I went out with my trainer again. I wasn't feeling entirely myself so we decided to go a bit more gentle and less strenuous. We did a 10 minute warm up walk and then 3 [very slow] step-ups into the first side of the first set of step-ups, it happened again.

And the ambulance came to the seawall again.

And I went to the Emergency Room again.

And ugh.

Once again I was hooked up to an IV. A well meaning nurse suggested I might want to eat before I work out (I had) and keep myself hydrated (I was). Eventually I was given some more headache drugs and a second CT was ordered. This time I had a contrast CT done.

Lots of nothing happened for a long time. The people by my bed changed a few times. My mom arrived and made a big long list of questions for me to ask the doctor. My amazing sister picked J up from daycare. My mom headed over to our place to look after J so my sister could go to work. Alex and I twiddled our thumbs. A lot.

Before my mom left, we sent Alex off to eat something because we had no idea how long we'd be in the hospital. After talking to the doctor, who was very vague, we overheard her talking at the nurses station. I heard words I recognized because I had looked up subarachnoid hemorrhage. Scary words.

Then a neurologist came and did a full neurology exam. I remembered which was left and which was right (yay me!), I touched my finger to my nose a million times, I correctly identified that we were in the hospital and it was likely close to four o'clock in the afternoon.

And then I was visited by a team of neurologists. I think there were four of them.

Basically one of my CT scans showed a spot that concerned them. Likely an old bleed. Likely an old stroke. They don't know how old. My blood work and lumbar puncture weren't 100% okay, but high enough not to worry. Except for this spot. Because of the spot the not quite 100% normal was not normal enough. Only 100 would do in that. Oh, and my blood pressure is elevated. And it shouldn't be because I'm not old enough.

So.

After nine hours in the Emergency Room, I was assigned to the stroke team at the hospital and will be attending the stroke prevention clinic. I don't really know what that means. I've been put on high blood pressure medication. Possibly for the rest of my life. Possibly not. It depends on what's causing it. I've been in for a bunch of outpatient tests and have more coming up. They don't know how old the [possible] stroke is. That's why there's more tests. They don't know why it happened. They don't know why I've had two of these headaches. I can safely return to my "old" life and continue to do any and all activities I was doing before. I can even conceive a baby (why they would think this was a smart idea is beyond me...). Don't worry. I'm not going to. That's insanity. Oh, and I was to take three or four days off from exercising but I can safely go back to that now and I can continue to train with my trainer.

What we do know:

• *if* it was a stroke, it was a while ago
• *if* I had a stroke, no one, including me, was aware that I had one
• two weeks of tests is a lot
• I was fine up until a week ago. There is no reason why I'm not still fine (except for the weird headache thing)
• I know Alex's cell and work numbers, both my sisters' numbers, my aunt and uncle's number and Fiona's number off by heart. Just in case.
• there are a lot of ifs and unknowns

And because you probably have some questions, here are answers to the most frequently asked questions people have had for me...so far. (feel free to ask away in the comments)

Are you scared?
For sure. But I'm only scared because I have no idea what's going on. I'm not scared that something horrible is going to happen in the next little while [I might be scared that my life insurance premiums are going to be disgusting after this though]

How do you feel?
I feel drained and tired. My body has been through a lot with the headaches and the headache drugs. I'm getting myself to bed earlier and that's helping.

Why did this happen to someone as young as you?
No idea.

How are J and Alex?
They're good. J is a bit confused and knows something is up. We've told her Mommy is a little bit sick but getting better. She isn't so sure about all the doctors visits. We've kept her routine as close to normal as possible. Alex is good too...he's had a few moments where his imagination has gotten ahead of reality and that was scary for him, but he's good.

What are you going to do now?
Live life. Until Monday there was nothing wrong with me. My body is in a bit of shock from the two headaches and I think there's a bit of shell shock there too, but apart from that, there's nothing more wrong with me today than there was eight days ago. So I'm making a concentrated effort to stay hydrated, have at least one cup of coffee (doctor recommended so I don't go into caffeine withdrawal), eat well and rest. I'm going to work. I'm driving. I'm keeping up with my other plans.

I have had about half the tests they've ordered and I'm hoping they'll schedule the last ones for this week so I can go away with J as planned on the weekend. But if not, we'll reschedule our trip. I see my family doctor, who happens to have an interest in hypertension and cardiovascular health, on Thursday, so I might have some more answers by then.

Right now I feel like I belong in an episode of House. If Gregory House was my doctor, I might possibly have some answers (although, his team might have tried to kill me first, so maybe I'm okay with him being imaginary).

But really, I'm okay!

Friend Makin' Monday: Defining Moments

So, I started this post yesterday afternoon, intending to finish it last night. But the universe had other plans for me last night. Other plans that made me look at this post again and make some changes...I don't always understand the universe, but as it all worked out in the end, I'm not going to dwell on it.

Kenlie hosts Friend Makin' Monday on her blog All The Weigh. If you'd like to join (and make some new friends) copy the question below and link back to today's post. Leave a comment on today's post too so we can visit you!

Was there a defining moment in which you realized that you needed to lose weight? If so, will you elaborate? (If you experienced this moment in some other area of your life, please feel free to share that too!)

Hmmm...well...yes...but my defining moment was really about general health and not just weight loss...(fine, moments)

Defining moment number 1: A number of years ago when I worked at an arts-related business located right downtown I struggled with some big health problems (I wrote about them here). The fatigue in particular was bad but there were other issues too (stomach ache, lack of appetite, sore throat etc. etc. etc). I was eventually prescribed a diet by a naturopath and worked hard to stick to it and stay active so that none of my crazy symptoms returned. Life was horrible while I was in the midst of trying to figure out what was wrong - I had to cancel a four week trip to Australia for a friend's wedding; I had to take four-plus weeks off work with no pay; I drained my savings first on my time off without pay and then on the naturopath. I didn't want my health to get so bad again that I'd have to face those things again.

I made some changes to my life, including a job change (which seemed to confirm that environment - mostly physical but partly mental) and life was pretty good. Then, after living by myself for a few years, I decided to move in with a friend. I loved the house, but I can definitely say we were better friends when we didn't live with each other. Things were stressful in our house...we didn't see each other much because she started work before I actually had to get up in the morning. Besides work, I was taking two classes and working on three big Girl Guide projects and I wasn't home much in the evenings. And then there was Alex. We weren't living together, but we were spending a whole lot of time together. So, often I'd get home after she had gone to bed and head straight to bed myself. And she was upset that I didn't have much time to spend with her.

I felt like I was headed back to the horrible place I'd been in just over a year before and I knew it was time to do something about it, so I joined a gym with another friend. Let's call this defining mini-moment number 1.

Defining moment number 2 was huge. Massive. Life changing. For real.

My life changed in a matter of seconds. And when life finally got back to normal, I realized it was time to change my priorities again.

I was going into our basement to do a load of laundry and two steps from the bottom I fell and cracked my back against the steps and ended up with a fractured transverse process of the L4 vertebra. The whole story starts here and is all tagged as sore back (go figure...).

After my back incident, I slowed down. I spent more time with friends and family. I spent more time enjoying our back deck. I spent more time reading and writing and playing with my new camera and just being me. I spent less time doing Guiding stuff. I took a break from school. I worked only during working hours. I took time to stretch and walk and swim. I ate well. The thing was, I went from going to the gym a couple of times a week and walking at least two or three kilometres a day (if not more) to doing pretty much nothing other than the physiotherapist prescribed exercises for about four or five weeks, then some slow walking and a lot of floating in the pool. Alex and a coworker ferried me to and from work many days.

Guess what? I gained weight. No surprise there. I went from being fairly active and eating fairly healthy to being not active at all (the first morning it took me 20 minutes to get from the bedroom through the living room to the bathroom) and still eating the same amount of fairly healthy food. Once I got the all clear from my doctor and physiotherapist, I was more active. I'd occasionally go to the gym, but that wasn't working very well for me. I swam two or three times a week and started walking at least 3 km a day again. And I started to lose weight.

And then I got pregnant.

And then I had a baby.

And then there were complications involving scars and hormones and life got horrible for a few months and what do you know, I never lost the baby weight, but I haven't really gained much either. Steady is good, but seeing the scale drop and clothes shrink is better (for ME at THIS particular moment in MY life).

Defining moment number 3 was the day J was born. Her delivery was long and scary and, thank goodness I didn't catch on until after it was over, very dangerous to both of our lives. We survived without any major complications or scars or setbacks, but that day I understood a little better how fragile life really is.

Since J's birth I've been eating healthy, most of the time, and exercising regularly, most of the time. In case the events in Norway last Friday weren't enough to remind me that life is fleeting, last night I was literally bonked over the head with it...

Long story, shorter version: I was out with my trainer and we were about 20 minutes into a 60 minute workout. I was doing a wall sit and as she started counting down the last five seconds, I knew something was wrong. Really wrong. I had what the doctors were calling a thunderclap headache. I get really bad migraines that used to require a visit to the ER, this was worse. And so not a migraine. After eight hours in the ER, a bunch of different, scary procedures, they sent me home at 3:30 this morning. My trainer, Georgia, stayed with me until Alex could get there from work. My sister Kelsey zipped over to our place to relieve the babysitter and stay with J until someone could get home. I, especially in the moments of greatest pain, forced myself to focus on getting a J hug when I got home.

It was terrifying. Apparently I'm healthy and there's nothing wrong with me. I have an appointment next week with my GP anyway, so I'm bringing this up because I don't think I'm healthy. I have fractured a vertebra, suffered debilitating migraines, suffered brutal menstrual cramps, been in active labour (and pushing) for hours, then had forceps and a C-section before J was born, but this, this was more painful than all of those combined. HORRIBLE.

But I came home with a new respect for life in general. And I'm even more motivated to get the extra pounds off, to eat healthy most of the time (but make that most of the time a percentage that is closer to 100 than it currently is), to get the rest of my body healthy so that this doesn't happen again. Because it was scary for a whole lot of people....

Oh, I'm also SO grateful to be in Canada and have BC Medical. I know most people who live here will think I'm crazy, since most of the time, most of the people complain about everything BC Medical related, but if I hadn't had BC Medical last night's eight hours in the ER would have cost us a pretty penny. I did a bit of research and depending on location my visit would have cost between $7,000 and $18,000. UGH. See, BC Medical isn't all bad.