Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Open Letter to Mr. James Thatcher

So, a few months ago, much to the chagrin of male readers, I posted a picture of the paper thing that covers the sticky bit of an Always pad. Seems Always had rethought their marketing approach.

So the other day, I arrived at my desk on a dreary (Monday) morning in March, the month I hate most because it contains the dreaded pile of multiplying paperwork known as year end, and in my inbox was a copy of an open letter to Mr. James Thatcher...the brand manager at Procter & Gamble...

I did not write this...someone else did and a million someone elses forwarded it around the world until on Monday, Heddy hit forward and sent it to me. THANK YOU Ms. Wendi Aarons.


AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.

February 6, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f&*%ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahl├║a and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX


Thank goodness for that!

4 comments:

  1. oh man! so freakin' funny.

    i would have laughed out loud but the weirdos at the library would think i'm one of them. I AM NOT!

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  2. hee hee....when I got it, I read it to D...he kind of giggled, but didn't really get it...you know, kind of like MR THATCHER!

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  3. oh boys...I'll have to see what Alex thinks!

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  4. So Alex says punk is hilarious and he nodded in agreement when Wendi talked about "intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior."

    Seems he thinks he has experience with that?!?!?! HA!

    HEHEHE...he laughed...

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